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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Smoked
Cigar
Nine
Never
Life

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It is funnier to bend things than to break them.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
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I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.
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Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
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The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
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After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.
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First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
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No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
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Now don't say you can't swear off drinking it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
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I never drink water... fish f**k in it.
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If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.
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I drink therefore I am.
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The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
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I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.
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Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.
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Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
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The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
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