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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Never
Life
Smoked
Cigar
Nine

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Now don't say you can't swear off drinking it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
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I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
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Never work with animals or children.
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I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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Happiness means quiet nerves.
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I never drink water that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
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Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
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Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
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Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
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I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.
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Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
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The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. Fields
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I'm looking for loopholes.
W. C. Fields