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I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Life
Lasted
Twenty
Drunk
Twenties
Three
Years

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Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
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The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
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Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
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Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.
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In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
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Ain't fit for man nor beast
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If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
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There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
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I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
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I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
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Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
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I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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