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I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Twenty
Drunk
Twenties
Three
Years
Life
Lasted
More quotes by W. C. Fields
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. Fields
I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
W. C. Fields
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
W. C. Fields
I have a poor memory for names but I seldom remember a face.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. Fields
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. Fields
Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
W. C. Fields
It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore however, I'm not drinking any less either.
W. C. Fields
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. Fields
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.
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I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
W. C. Fields
All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
W. C. Fields
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. Fields
It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. Fields
When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
W. C. Fields
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W. C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
W. C. Fields
