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When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Borrow
Lawyer
Asked
Says
Money
Another

More quotes by W. C. Fields

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I never drink water... fish f**k in it.
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Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)
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Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
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Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
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I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
W. C. Fields
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.
W. C. Fields
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I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.
W. C. Fields
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I have a poor memory for names but I seldom remember a face.
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There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. Fields
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Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
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It's what you do that counts and not what you say therefore I fired my press agent.
W. C. Fields
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I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
W. C. Fields
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I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
W. C. Fields
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
W. C. Fields
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W. C. Fields