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When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Asked
Says
Money
Another
Borrow
Lawyer
More quotes by W. C. Fields
I never drink water... fish f**k in it.
W. C. Fields
Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.
W. C. Fields
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
W. C. Fields
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
W. C. Fields
I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
W. C. Fields
I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. Fields
How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
W. C. Fields
I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
W. C. Fields
I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.
W. C. Fields
The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
W. C. Fields
There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.
W. C. Fields
Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. Fields
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason
W. C. Fields
Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
W. C. Fields
The best thing to break is a contract.
W. C. Fields
I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
W. C. Fields
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. Fields
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
W. C. Fields
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. Fields
