Quote

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Give
Humorous
Cautiously
Must
Husband
Instructed
Giving
Return
Suited
Wife
Joint
Since
Proceed
Names
Joints
Funny
Print
Given
Hardly

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Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
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Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
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Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
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Now don't say you can't swear off drinking it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.
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When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
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Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
W. C. Fields
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I have a poor memory for names but I seldom remember a face.
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I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).
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If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
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Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!
W. C. Fields
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Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
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Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
W. C. Fields
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Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. Fields