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It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Girl
Blister
Father
Blisters
Find
Convenience
Toes
Travel
Couldn
Marriage
Bigs
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I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
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Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
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I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
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How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
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If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.
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Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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Some people are born losers others acquire the knack gradually.
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The best thing to break is a contract.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
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In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
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I like children. If they're properly cooked.
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