Quote

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Father
Blisters
Find
Convenience
Toes
Travel
Couldn
Marriage
Bigs
Girl
Blister

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Now don't say you can't swear off drinking it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
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Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
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I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
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Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
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Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.
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Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason
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It is funnier to bend things than to break them.
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It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore however, I'm not drinking any less either.
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The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.
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The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
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I like children - fried.
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I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
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Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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