Quote

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Men
Besides
Lays
Object
Nine
Objects
Hand
Aces
Five
Deck
Hands
Dealt

More quotes by W. C. Fields

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What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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You can't cheat an honest man.
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Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
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How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
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Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.
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Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
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The best thing to break is a contract.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
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So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
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All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
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Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
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The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
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I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine
W. C. Fields
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Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.
W. C. Fields
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. Fields