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I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Hands
Dealt
Men
Besides
Lays
Object
Nine
Objects
Hand
Aces
Five
Deck

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How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
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I have a poor memory for names but I seldom remember a face.
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No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
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Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
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It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
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I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
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I like children - fried.
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California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
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The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
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All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
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I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
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All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
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