Quote

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Object
Nine
Objects
Hand
Aces
Five
Deck
Hands
Dealt
Men
Besides
Lays

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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
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To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
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It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
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Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
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All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia
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I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
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I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
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