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I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Loopholes
Bible
Caught
Comedy
Looking
Reading

More quotes by W. C. Fields

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Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
W. C. Fields
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Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.
W. C. Fields
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All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia
W. C. Fields
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I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
W. C. Fields
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The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
W. C. Fields
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Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.
W. C. Fields
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I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
W. C. Fields
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The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
W. C. Fields
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Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
W. C. Fields
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I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.
W. C. Fields
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Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
W. C. Fields
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The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. Fields
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No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
W. C. Fields
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I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
W. C. Fields
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I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.
W. C. Fields
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
W. C. Fields
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I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.
W. C. Fields
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. Fields
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. Fields
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Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
W. C. Fields