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I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Would
Philadelphia
Comedy
Rather
Living
Whole

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I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.
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It is funnier to bend things than to break them.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
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My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.
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Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
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Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.
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Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
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Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
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I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
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Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
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Some people are born losers others acquire the knack gradually.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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Ain't fit for man nor beast
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I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.
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