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A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Friends
Two
Merry
Christmas
Except
More quotes by W. C. Fields
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
W. C. Fields
Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.
W. C. Fields
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. Fields
Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. Fields
I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
W. C. Fields
Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
W. C. Fields
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W. C. Fields
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
W. C. Fields
Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
W. C. Fields
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields
Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.
W. C. Fields
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. Fields
The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
W. C. Fields
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
W. C. Fields
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. Fields
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
W. C. Fields
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. Fields
