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I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Usually
Food
Didn
Meat
Horse
Tough
Outside

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I can do anything I want to do!
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How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
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Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
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The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
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Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
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I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.
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