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The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
World
Whilst
Largest
Twins
Giant
Smallest
Giants
Brother
Baffle
Science
Midget

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Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
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I like children. If they're properly cooked.
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What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
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I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
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It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
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I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.
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Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
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Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
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The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
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I have a poor memory for names but I seldom remember a face.
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I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
W. C. Fields
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
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Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
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Ain't fit for man nor beast
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I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
W. C. Fields