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The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Giants
Brother
Baffle
Science
Midget
World
Whilst
Largest
Twins
Giant
Smallest

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My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
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I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
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California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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I always made up my own acts built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.
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Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.
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The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.
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Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.
W. C. Fields
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.
W. C. Fields
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Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.
W. C. Fields
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I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
W. C. Fields
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Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
W. C. Fields
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Never work with animals or children.
W. C. Fields
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A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.
W. C. Fields
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Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
W. C. Fields