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The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Science
Midget
World
Whilst
Largest
Twins
Giant
Smallest
Giants
Brother
Baffle

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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
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Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
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So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
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Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
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I like children - fried.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
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If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
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Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
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I drink therefore I am.
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I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
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I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
W. C. Fields