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Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Sign
Towns
Mom
Says
Called
Moms
Place
Eats
Back
Restaurants
Never
Town
More quotes by W. C. Fields
There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.
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The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.
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Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.
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Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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I'm searching for loopholes.
W. C. Fields
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
W. C. Fields
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
W. C. Fields
I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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Never work with animals or children.
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I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
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A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.
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I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
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A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him and it usually does.
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Happiness means quiet nerves.
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I'm looking for loopholes.
W. C. Fields
The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
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I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
W. C. Fields
