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All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Insulting
Throat
Pips
Stuck
Constipated
England
Bushel
Talk
Throats
Plums
Swallowing
Englishmen
More quotes by W. C. Fields
Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. Fields
Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
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I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.
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The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. Fields
I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.
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I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
W. C. Fields
The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.
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I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. Fields
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
W. C. Fields