Quote

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Talk
Throats
Plums
Swallowing
Englishmen
Insulting
Throat
Pips
Stuck
Constipated
England
Bushel

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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
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The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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I never drink water... fish f**k in it.
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The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.
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Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
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It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
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I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
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I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
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Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.
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If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
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The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
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The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
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The best thing to break is a contract.
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