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All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Insulting
Throat
Pips
Stuck
Constipated
England
Bushel
Talk
Throats
Plums
Swallowing
Englishmen

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I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
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Never work with animals or children.
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I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.
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In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
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I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
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Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.
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California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
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It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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I can do anything I want to do!
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Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
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Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
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Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)
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