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Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Miserable
Smile
Morning
Firsts
First
Thing
Cynical

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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
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There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.
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There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.
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It's what you do that counts and not what you say therefore I fired my press agent.
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How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
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The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
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Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
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I always made up my own acts built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.
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I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
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I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.
W. C. Fields
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Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
W. C. Fields
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If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
W. C. Fields
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The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
W. C. Fields
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. Fields