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I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Attend
Invited
Argument
Emotion
Every

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I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.
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Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.
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Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
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I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
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Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
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Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!
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My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
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How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
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Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
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All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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