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I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Invited
Argument
Emotion
Every
Attend
More quotes by W. C. Fields
I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
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In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
W. C. Fields
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
W. C. Fields
When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
W. C. Fields
Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.
W. C. Fields
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. Fields
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. Fields
Ain't fit for man nor beast
W. C. Fields
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
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Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
W. C. Fields
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
W. C. Fields
Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
W. C. Fields
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
W. C. Fields
Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.
W. C. Fields
I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
W. C. Fields
When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
W. C. Fields
I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
W. C. Fields