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If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Didn
Ever
Might
Knocking
Believe
Joining
Churches
Consider
Church
Found
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
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Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.
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In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.
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I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason
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When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
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No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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I have a poor memory for names but I seldom remember a face.
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All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia
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Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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I'm searching for loopholes.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
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