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What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Sort
Mother
Effulgent
Murdered
Gorgeous
Sunshine
Brothers
Brother

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I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
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Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
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Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
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Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
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I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.
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Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.
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In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
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The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night
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Never work with animals or children.
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