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It's what you do that counts and not what you say therefore I fired my press agent.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Fired
Counts
Agent
Agents
Presses
Press
Therefore

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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
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I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
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There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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I'm looking for loopholes.
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If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
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The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
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Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.
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W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
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Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
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I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
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I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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