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Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Told
Tell
Mind
Never

More quotes by W. C. Fields

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My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
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I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
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Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
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Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
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I always made up my own acts built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.
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There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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Happiness means quiet nerves.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
W. C. Fields
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason
W. C. Fields
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. Fields
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. Fields
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I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
W. C. Fields