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Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Told
Tell
Mind
Never

More quotes by W. C. Fields

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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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I'm searching for loopholes.
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California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
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Happiness means quiet nerves.
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Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
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A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
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The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
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I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
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Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.
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I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.
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I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
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I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
W. C. Fields
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It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.
W. C. Fields