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I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Married
Proves
Marriage
Legal
Seen
Destroyed
Fire
Proof
Certificate
Funny
Havens
Certificates
Many
Haven
Earthquake
Great
Aren
Earthquakes
Years
Prove
Francisco

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I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
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It's what you do that counts and not what you say therefore I fired my press agent.
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Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
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I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.
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The best thing to break is a contract.
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Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
W. C. Fields
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I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
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Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
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Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.
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Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
W. C. Fields
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Ain't fit for man nor beast
W. C. Fields
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Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
W. C. Fields
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The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
W. C. Fields
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The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
W. C. Fields
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. Fields