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I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Seen
Destroyed
Fire
Proof
Certificate
Funny
Havens
Certificates
Many
Haven
Earthquake
Great
Aren
Earthquakes
Years
Prove
Francisco
Married
Proves
Marriage
Legal

More quotes by W. C. Fields

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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
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I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.
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Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
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Now don't say you can't swear off drinking it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.
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It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
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I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
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Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.
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In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
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I like children - fried.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.
W. C. Fields