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I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Married
Proves
Marriage
Legal
Seen
Destroyed
Fire
Proof
Certificate
Funny
Havens
Certificates
Many
Haven
Earthquake
Great
Aren
Earthquakes
Years
Prove
Francisco

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Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
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I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
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Never work with animals or children.
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It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
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A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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I never drink water... fish f**k in it.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
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The best thing to break is a contract.
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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
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Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
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Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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Now don't say you can't swear off drinking it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
W. C. Fields