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I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Seen
Destroyed
Fire
Proof
Certificate
Funny
Havens
Certificates
Many
Haven
Earthquake
Great
Aren
Earthquakes
Years
Prove
Francisco
Married
Proves
Marriage
Legal

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I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
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Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
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When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.
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I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
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Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
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Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
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Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.
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You can't cheat an honest man.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
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