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A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Intoxicated
Sympathy
Doesn
Need
Needs
Men
Time

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Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.
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I always made up my own acts built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.
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If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
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In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
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I like children - fried.
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The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.
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It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.
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Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
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Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
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I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
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Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
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Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
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There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
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Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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