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Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Couldn
Stand
Noise
Wine

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I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
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The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.
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Never work with animals or children.
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Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
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A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.
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Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.
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Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
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W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.
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It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
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Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
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No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
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Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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