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It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Gets
Alive
Funny
Men
World
Lucky

More quotes by W. C. Fields

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I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.
W. C. Fields
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason
W. C. Fields
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I like children. If they're properly cooked.
W. C. Fields
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Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.
W. C. Fields
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My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
W. C. Fields
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I'm looking for loopholes.
W. C. Fields
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Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.
W. C. Fields
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Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
W. C. Fields
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I never drink water... fish f**k in it.
W. C. Fields
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I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.
W. C. Fields
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I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
W. C. Fields
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I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
W. C. Fields
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The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
W. C. Fields
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No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
W. C. Fields
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I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.
W. C. Fields
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Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. Fields
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. Fields
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
W. C. Fields
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How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
W. C. Fields
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
W. C. Fields