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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Drinking
Wine
Food
Days
Water
Corkscrew
Lost
Compelled
Live
Afghanistan
Several
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A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
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I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.
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Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
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It is funnier to bend things than to break them.
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Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.
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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
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You can't cheat an honest man.
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If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night
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My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
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Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
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After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.
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I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
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I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
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When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
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Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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