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Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Drinking
Somebody
Pineapple
Pineapples
Juice
Putting
More quotes by W. C. Fields
California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
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I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
W. C. Fields
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
W. C. Fields
A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.
W. C. Fields
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
W. C. Fields
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. Fields
No doubt exists that all women are crazy it's only a question of degree.
W. C. Fields
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
W. C. Fields
I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).
W. C. Fields
My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
W. C. Fields
All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
W. C. Fields
Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. Fields
Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
W. C. Fields
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. Fields
It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.
W. C. Fields
I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
W. C. Fields