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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Drinking
Hands
Make
Life
Sours
Whisky
Lemons
Whiskey

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I'm searching for loopholes.
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I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
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I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
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I never drink water... fish f**k in it.
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It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
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I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.
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Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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The best thing to break is a contract.
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All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
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Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
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I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
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If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
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I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
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When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
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