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I never drink water... fish f**k in it.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Fishes
Drinking
Drink
Water
Never
Fish

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Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
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No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
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The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
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If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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Never work with animals or children.
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In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
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Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.
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Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
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