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I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Move
Moving
Sometimes
Nerves
Steady
Explanation
Drinking
Drink
Months

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I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
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You can't cheat an honest man.
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I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
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Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
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Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
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No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
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There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
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In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
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The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
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Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
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Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
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The best thing to break is a contract.
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There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
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