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I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Ever
Hard
Drinking
Hollywood
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Ends
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The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.
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I never drink water... fish f**k in it.
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If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
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I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.
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There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
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A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
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Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
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After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.
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In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
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I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
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What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
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The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.
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It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
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