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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Giving
Beer
Attempt
Alcohol
Medical
Authority
Age
Give
Best
Advised

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I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
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No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
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I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy it's only a question of degree.
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Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
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The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.
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