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Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Wouldn
Reliable
Terrible
Insanity
Religious
Statistics
Religion
Alcohol
People
Insane
Driven
Drinking
Quoted
Prove
Hysteria
More quotes by W. C. Fields
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The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.
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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
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I'm looking for loopholes.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
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I have a poor memory for names but I seldom remember a face.
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No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
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I'm searching for loopholes.
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It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
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I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
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It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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