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The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Legitimacy
Lawyer
Mom
Question
Mother
Thing
More quotes by W. C. Fields
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
W. C. Fields
There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
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Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
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So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. Fields
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. Fields
California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
W. C. Fields
The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
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Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
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I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
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The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.
W. C. Fields
I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.
W. C. Fields
I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
W. C. Fields
If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
W. C. Fields
I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
W. C. Fields
Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.
W. C. Fields
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
W. C. Fields
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. Fields
