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After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Nurse
Health
Turn
Days
Turns
Funny
Two
Hospital
Hospitals
More quotes by W. C. Fields
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
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I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
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If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. Fields
