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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Spent
Half
Money
Women
Wasted
Gambling
Alcohol
Wild

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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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You can't cheat an honest man.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.
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Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.
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There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
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I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.
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If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
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Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.
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I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
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I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. Fields