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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Money
Women
Wasted
Gambling
Alcohol
Wild
Spent
Half

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It is funnier to bend things than to break them.
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I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
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The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
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To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
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Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
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It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!
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Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.
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I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
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Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
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