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I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Life
Woman
Mother
Even
Never

More quotes by W. C. Fields

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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. Fields
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I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
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I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
W. C. Fields
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I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
W. C. Fields
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Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
W. C. Fields
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. Fields
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How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
W. C. Fields
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I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
W. C. Fields
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
W. C. Fields
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I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.
W. C. Fields
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I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
W. C. Fields
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I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
W. C. Fields
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Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
W. C. Fields
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. Fields
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My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
W. C. Fields
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. Fields
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Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. Fields
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Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W. C. Fields
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Happiness means quiet nerves.
W. C. Fields
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I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
W. C. Fields