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I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Even
Never
Life
Woman
Mother
More quotes by W. C. Fields
Some people are born losers others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. Fields
I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
W. C. Fields
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night
W. C. Fields
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. Fields
Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
W. C. Fields
I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
W. C. Fields
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
W. C. Fields
The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.
W. C. Fields
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. Fields
First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.
W. C. Fields
So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
W. C. Fields
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. Fields
I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. Fields
I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
W. C. Fields
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. Fields
The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
W. C. Fields
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. Fields
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.
W. C. Fields
I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.
W. C. Fields
