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I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Even
Never
Life
Woman
Mother
More quotes by W. C. Fields
It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
W. C. Fields
Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
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I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.
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All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
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First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. Fields
After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.
W. C. Fields
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
W. C. Fields
Some people are born losers others acquire the knack gradually.
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All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
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I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
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I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
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Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.
W. C. Fields
Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
W. C. Fields
Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.
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Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
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Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
W. C. Fields
