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All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Philadelphia
Considered
Rather
Things

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Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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Happiness means quiet nerves.
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A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.
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I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.
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I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
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I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.
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The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.
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Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
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It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
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It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.
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Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
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I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
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I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
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