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There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Children
Seven
Thing
Tough
Always
Food
Child
Hours
Firsts
Come
First
Tender

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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
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It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
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I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
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You can't cheat an honest man.
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There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
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Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.
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Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
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Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
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I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
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