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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Lasts
Last
Lost
Night
Bill
Thought
Thank
Bills
Goodness
Spend
More quotes by W. C. Fields
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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The best thing to break is a contract.
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All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia
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Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.
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Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.
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I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
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There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.
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There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
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A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him and it usually does.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
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Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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I always made up my own acts built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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