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I never met a kid I liked.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields
Age: 66 †
Born: 1880
Born: January 29
Died: 1946
Died: December 25
Actor
Cabaret Artist
Circus Performer
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
WC Fields
William Claude Dukenfield
W.C. Fields
Mets
Kids
Never
Liked

More quotes by W. C. Fields

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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. Fields
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Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W. C. Fields
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. Fields
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Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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Happiness means quiet nerves.
W. C. Fields
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Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
W. C. Fields
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. Fields
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I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
W. C. Fields
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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. Fields
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It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
W. C. Fields
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I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W. C. Fields
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I have a poor memory for names but I seldom remember a face.
W. C. Fields
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I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
W. C. Fields
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A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him and it usually does.
W. C. Fields
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Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.
W. C. Fields
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. Fields
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I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!
W. C. Fields
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You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.
W. C. Fields
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My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. Fields